I was speechless. Perfect setup. Perfect execution.
So in honor of his genius, I propose we waste a few minutes looking at the many ways Hollywood has destroyed New York.
- Peter Jackson's King Kong (4/10 on the destruction scale)
Okay, yeah, Kong throws some cars and he ruins the theater, and *spoiler* when he falls to his death he probably kills a few people. But the damage here is more emotional for those who paid to see The Eighth Wonder of the World and nearly got eaten. The City itself is never really harmed too terribly bad by Kong, which I've decided is a mistake. I mean, if you're going to put a 30-foot ape on the streets of Manhattan then give us some carnage, you know? Have him punch down into the street and pull a subway train out of the ground, have him spin around and fling the subway into a giant Times Square sign so that it explodes and catches other stuff on fire. Of course, that would be ridiculous and totally unbelievable. Giant prehistoric apes in Manhattan would never do that.
- Godzilla, the sucky American version (1/10)
Boy, this movie really sucked. Back eight years ago when it was getting ready to hit theaters, the original ad campaign avoided showing us the actual monster. Shortly there after, my friend and I went to get some Taco Bell and to our dismay we caught our first glimpse of the poorly imagined creature on the Bell's plastic cups. We thought it wasn't possible that Godzilla looked so terrible. We hoped it was a mistake and that it wasn't really him. Well, it was him. And frankly I don't even want to waste anymore time on this movie. He runs through the NY streets or something and I'm sure he makes a mess. I don't really remember.
- Ghostbusters I & II (8/10)
Never before has a villain been as outrageous or delicious as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. This guy created real havoc during his brief time on earth. Whether he's mercilessly stomping on New Yorkers or reaching out to kill the Ghostbusters, you know Stay Puft has one thing on his mind: killing people!
Even in defeat, Stay Puft found a way to make things hard on New Yorkers. Marshmallow cream rained down upon the city like a plague, which probably triggered an increase in taxes to compensate for the cleanup fees. (Actually, don't they make a joke sort of like this in the sequel? Isn't that why the ghostbusting crew disbanded? If so, it's a good joke and I'm using it again as though it were my own.)
(By the way, having the very evil-looking Gozer the Traveler transform into the Marshmallow Man is one of the most understated jokes in the history of films. I don't care if I'm exaggerating.)
The sequel saw New York's finest ghostbusting outfit fighting against an evil painting in a museum. The obvious solution? Sliming the inside of Lady Liberty with emotionally-charged slime, thereby allowing her to be controlled by a Nintendo joystick. That way the Ghostbusters could rally good-will from those pissy New Yorkers.
Including this might be contrary to the destruction-angle we're focusing on, but face the facts, seeing THE Statue walking around would be a lot for New Yorkers to handle. Some would be devastated, others made stronger. Certainly, it would change them permanently. So I'm leaving it.
-Independence Day (9/10)
Some might say this deserves a 10 on the scale of destruction. Starting with the terrifyingly slow move into position over Manhattan to the wickedly slow emergence of the central laser cannon over the Empire State Building, these aliens didn't just obliterate New Yorkers, they scared the hell out of them first, and they did it slowly. This movie set a new precedent for disaster films as it was the first movie to really show us what computers could do for the genre. All anyone in Hollywood wanted to do after "ID4" was imagine the world exploding in different ways. But no computer could recreate the magic of Goldblum/Pullman/Fresh Prince, an acting Murderer's Row unlike anything we've ever seen. These guys were good and they knew it.
The only reason I deny this film a perfect score is because there is only one movie worthy of a 10-fer, and this is not that movie. Still, it's much better than...
(can you guess which picture is from which movie?)
These two movies are like Shaq and Kobe. For those of you who live in third-world countries and don't understand this analogy, Shaq and Kobe are professional basketball players with tremendous egos. Together, they won three consecutive NBA championships. Apart, they have won none (although Shaq is one win away from his first non-Kobe ring; i might as well squeeze in this analogy before it becomes irrelevant.) Both men refuse to admit that they worked better as a tandem, and instead, both men will spend the entirety of their remaining days trying to outdo the other.
Actually, this analogy doesn't work at all. These movies didn't work well together and they didn't win anything together. So forget about that part.
This was simply a war between two greedy studios to produce meaningless summer fare about global devastation via an asteroid. Only the Antz / A Bug's Life duel a few years later would rival this matchup. I don't know which film ended-up making more money, but I do know that Armageddon had a Criterion edition available, which blows my mind, because Criterion movies are supposed to be very good. It also stars Billy Bob Thornton as the president.
Where Armageddon fails is in its NYC destruction. Yes, they destroy the Chrysler Building (sort of) and I think a few other things happen, but Deep Impact throws us a curve ball when a tidal wave floods the entirety of The City. Plus, Morgan Freeman is president in their dimension. It's really a toss-up over which president is more awesome, Freeman v. Billy Bob. Nonetheless, only Armageddon was parodied by me and my friends in high school using primitive stop-animation. While we didn't win the talent show, we did succeed in creating a masterpiece. Still, Deep Impact stars Leelee Sobieski who still looks like Helen Hunt, which is still weird. So it's a tie.
Before I reveal the greatest New York disaster film of all time, lets take a quick look at some straight-to-video knockoffs that have touched all our lives:
Aftershock: Earthquake in New York (1999)Tagline: "Terror is off the Richter scale"
Summary: "New York, the city that never sleeps, is trapped in a nightmare of horror and destruction when a massive earthquake rocks the unsuspecting city..."
That might be the most straightforward tagline & summary for anything, ever.
Category 6: Day of Destruction (2004)Tagline: "Tornadoes, hurricanes, blackouts...There is no shelter from this storm!"
Summary: "A hurricane heading North from the Gulf of Mexico meets a tornado over Chicago. The new superstorm wreaks havoc."
Now honestly, I can't say for sure that this movie even takes place in NYC. But it just looks like it needed to be mentioned. Apparently Chicago, St. Louis and Las Vegas are all devastated by the superstorm. I just thought it warranted mentioning. Plus, it's a perfect segue to The Greatest NYC Disaster Movie of All Time....
- The Day After Tomorrow (10/10)
Sometimes I think this is the worst movie I've ever seen. I love it so much. I mean, some movies are supposed to be bad, like Day of Destruction. But I think the brains behind Day After truly believed they were making a good movie, which makes it all the more a failure.
This movie almost combines every element in all the other disaster NYC films combined.
You get:
waves...
floods....
tornados...
Statue of Liberty problems....
absolute devastation...
overdramatic acting...
birds....
But what really sets this movie's devastation apart is its inclusion of a subplot involving wolves.
So then, a movie with this much New York devastation cannot be denied. It also cannot be denied as being one of the most absurd films of the past 30 years. Seriously, a father walks across the tundra of America's Eastcoast in order to make sure his son is doing okay. He comes with no plan to help them, but at least he comes. While they wait for Dennis Quad to show up, wolves are thrown into the mix, which might seem like a distracting subplot to some people since it has nothing to do with surviving bleak weather conditions.
That said, only The Core rivals Day After in its complete absurdity and hilarity. And that movie has nothing to do with New York, so Day After wins. It's Director Roland Emmerich's finest entry to the genre. If Independence Day was his "Sgt. Pepper," then Day After is clearly his "White Album." I'm not sure what that makes Godzilla, which he also made. The Beatles didn't make bad albums. But whatever. Let's say Godzilla is equal to Ringo's songs, even though I like Ringo more than that. Anyways, you get the point: Roland Emmerich hates New York.
...
Wrapping things up, New York City is probably the best city in the world and I'd be remiss if I didn't take a moment to point out that New York really has gone through some very traumatic situations over the past few years, and that if anything, these movies teach us that the worst situations can be overcome with some determination and faith.
Hang in there, New York.
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