Apparently Pluto is no longer a planet.
I've been meaning to say something about this for a few days now. Might as well break the Napkin Sketches silence with this one, I thought. I mean this story is really really stupid, no? Who knew we, the citizens of planet earth, had an international council of astronomers who carry the power to declare the status of planethood? or to remove it for that matter? Seriously, how did these guys monopolize the power of naming & classifying the universe?
Well guess what? If you ask me, they haven't.
You see, they can change the definition of the word "planet" all they want, doesn't mean they can steal Pluto's planetary status away from us. They can't force me to teach my children that there are eight planets. They can't change hundreds of years' worth of grade school science projects. They can't undo millions of text books. They can't take away what's inside all of us.
Listen up you Indian-giving astronomers: Pluto is not Microsoft Office. In other words, you can't just tweak last year's version because you're bored and you need to justify earning a salary. The Solar System isn't as fickle as that.
Pluto is a planet. That's what they taught me throughout all my years and I ain't changing now. Sure, maybe if you told me the earth was round I'd say "whatever pal, believe whatever you want." Maybe that would make me a fool. But I ask you, what's the harm in keeping Pluto a planet?
You see, the pieces of the Solar System are like characters in a TV show. When you find a hit character that everyone loves you'd be stupid to kill them off. And everyone loves Pluto. Need I remind you of the dog?
And another thing. At least Pluto has a solid surface, unlike those other planets made of gas and vapor. Those planets are kind of dumb compared to Pluto, when you really think about it.
But the biggest point here is that most earth-dwellers still consider Pluto to be a planet. We out-number the Space Council and therefore we have all the power. Of course, we all understand that demoting a planet is on par with sleeping with your best friend's girl. You just don't do that. Not ever.
August 31, 2006
August 19, 2006
mini sketches: salute to snakes
Snakes on a Plane has finally hit theaters after many months of Internet hype. And while I long to see this film late some night with drunken hissing masses, sadly I must say I haven't seen it yet. But I will predict before seeing this movie that it will live up to the hype, forcing the studio to try to recapture the magic for a sequel or five. Of course none of them will have the same love affair with the public the way the original has, and most of them will come out straight to DVD. Sam L. Jax will not star in any future volumes, leaving the guy who played Cody in "Step by Step" to play clean-up duty.
Nonetheless, in honor of this special film here is a list of titles for future installments coming soon to a video store near you...
Snakes on a Plane 2: Snakes on a Train
The rationale is simple - change the setting and you have a sequel in the oven. And it rhymes. And the title completely contradicts itself, which is my favorite part.
Snakes on a Plane 3: Snakes...in the Rain!
Trying to capitalize on the rhyming technique, Snakes 3 nearly ruins the franchise.
Snakes on a Plane 4: Snakes take Manhattan
Looking for a proven winner to undo the Snakes...in the Rain! fiasco, the producers take a note from Napkin Sketches and set the disaster film in New York.
Snakes on Planes
If Alien can get away with simply adding an "S" to make its sequel, Aliens, then why couldn't Snakes try it? My crystal ball is also seeing the phrase "double the trouble" for this one. It writes itself.
Nelville Flynn's Travels
The Snakes franchise looks backwards in this installment, making a prequel about Sam L. Jax's character from the original film. It will be much better than it has any right to be, as it deals with Flynn's struggles with existentialism and the future. And nobody will watch it.
so, the franchise makes a power play to try to reclaim its place among the masses...
Snakes on a Plane 7 vs. Anaconda 3
Kind of like Jason versus Freddy or Alien vs. Predator, finally we will answer this age old question. By the way, this is the first one to have a theatrical release since Snakes 2. It makes more money in its opening weekend than Titanic. It stars Joey from "Friends". Then the world explodes and there are no more snakes on a plane movies.
August 17, 2006
would you rather?
While we wait for the impending battle between Yoshimi and The Bulletin, let's pause for a moment in our busy schedules to explore the question: Would you rather be one of the Apollo 13 astronauts during their catastrophic mission to the moon OR would you rather be left for dead in the middle of the ocean near aggressive sharks like the couple in the movie "Open Water?"
We talked about this at the 1st Annual Shark Week Holiday Extravaganza, and everyone concluded that they'd rather be in the Apollo 13. However, I think we were under the Shark Week spell at the time, causing largely irrational responses. I recently watched "Apollo 13" again, so hear me when I say that You Do Not Want to Choose the Apollo 13 Mission Lightly. Just because the astronauts survived and the swimmers didn't should not enter into your thinking. Which brings me to the "things to keep in mind" before we get started.
thing to keep in mind #1: Just because the Open Water couple died doesn't mean you would, and vice versa for Apollo 13. So picking the space mission doesn't guarantee your survival. You dig?
thing to keep in mind#2: Don't choose Open Water because you don't know how to fly a spaceship. In other words, imagine you have the same skill sets that astronauts and scuba divers had.
thing to keep in mind#3: This is really an extension of the second rule. Don't make yourself too smart, wiseguy. In other words, just because you've suddenly learned how to fly a NASA spacecraft doesn't mean you'd be able to jimmy a brilliant fix that Lovell, Fredo and Kevin Bacon couldn't figure out. You're equally as smart and able as they were, not smarter.
thing to keep in mind#4: This game isn't necessarily about choosing which circumstance gives you a better chance to survive. I think this should be part - but not all - of your decision.
For those who haven't watched either film (or haven't learned about the Apollo 13 mission through some other non-Hollywood means) go to IMDB or Amazon if you want a recap. But if you're too lazy to do that, here are one sentence recaps of both stories.
Apollo 13: On the heels of the famous Apollo 11 moon landing, three astronauts are sent to the moon on what appears to be a much more uninteresting mission, that is, until the rocket breaks in transit to the moon, leaving the astronauts with almost no power or oxygen and little hope of making back to earth alive.
Open Water: A couple goes scuba diving and is accidentally left behind in the middle of the ocean with mean-spirited sharks roaming about, and nobody's around to help them.
So there's the setup. Dwell on these things and soon enough we will find the light of truth together.
We talked about this at the 1st Annual Shark Week Holiday Extravaganza, and everyone concluded that they'd rather be in the Apollo 13. However, I think we were under the Shark Week spell at the time, causing largely irrational responses. I recently watched "Apollo 13" again, so hear me when I say that You Do Not Want to Choose the Apollo 13 Mission Lightly. Just because the astronauts survived and the swimmers didn't should not enter into your thinking. Which brings me to the "things to keep in mind" before we get started.
thing to keep in mind #1: Just because the Open Water couple died doesn't mean you would, and vice versa for Apollo 13. So picking the space mission doesn't guarantee your survival. You dig?
thing to keep in mind#2: Don't choose Open Water because you don't know how to fly a spaceship. In other words, imagine you have the same skill sets that astronauts and scuba divers had.
thing to keep in mind#3: This is really an extension of the second rule. Don't make yourself too smart, wiseguy. In other words, just because you've suddenly learned how to fly a NASA spacecraft doesn't mean you'd be able to jimmy a brilliant fix that Lovell, Fredo and Kevin Bacon couldn't figure out. You're equally as smart and able as they were, not smarter.
thing to keep in mind#4: This game isn't necessarily about choosing which circumstance gives you a better chance to survive. I think this should be part - but not all - of your decision.
For those who haven't watched either film (or haven't learned about the Apollo 13 mission through some other non-Hollywood means) go to IMDB or Amazon if you want a recap. But if you're too lazy to do that, here are one sentence recaps of both stories.
Apollo 13: On the heels of the famous Apollo 11 moon landing, three astronauts are sent to the moon on what appears to be a much more uninteresting mission, that is, until the rocket breaks in transit to the moon, leaving the astronauts with almost no power or oxygen and little hope of making back to earth alive.
Open Water: A couple goes scuba diving and is accidentally left behind in the middle of the ocean with mean-spirited sharks roaming about, and nobody's around to help them.
So there's the setup. Dwell on these things and soon enough we will find the light of truth together.
August 12, 2006
yoshimi battles the soft bulletin: prelude to war
Did you know that war was brewing?
Can you hear the trumpets sound?
Over the hillside the gunpowder clouds
Forming where rivals surround.
Is it wrong to pit one piece of art against another?
Is there nothing to be gained?
I've given this time and thought, and no matter what is moral or ethical, this battle must commence.
So rise up, Yoshimi! Rise up, Soft Bulletin! For in the coming days you will fight to the death, and once and for all we will know which star shines brightest.
In other words, in the coming days and/or weeks we'll take a look at The Flaming Lips' duel triumphs, "The Soft Bulletin" and its follow-up "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots," and once and for all decide which one is better. An impossible feat? We shall see.
So find those albums and get to listening. Form opinions. Prepare for war.
Can you hear the trumpets sound?
Over the hillside the gunpowder clouds
Forming where rivals surround.
Is it wrong to pit one piece of art against another?
Is there nothing to be gained?
I've given this time and thought, and no matter what is moral or ethical, this battle must commence.
So rise up, Yoshimi! Rise up, Soft Bulletin! For in the coming days you will fight to the death, and once and for all we will know which star shines brightest.
In other words, in the coming days and/or weeks we'll take a look at The Flaming Lips' duel triumphs, "The Soft Bulletin" and its follow-up "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots," and once and for all decide which one is better. An impossible feat? We shall see.
So find those albums and get to listening. Form opinions. Prepare for war.
August 08, 2006
dance, stanley, dance!
Being an occasional know-it-all, an expert on all things relating to life, I had firmly understood this about reggae music: every song sounded exactly the same as the previous one and the rhythm never deviated from the bum-chacha-bum-chacha-bum-chacha-bum-chacha-bum pattern of every other reggae song. So I dismissed an entire genre of music as being one dimensional and worthless.
But then after going to Jamaica I realized that the only thing worthless was my opinion.
You see, what I failed to realize is that we all have a little Rastaman inside our hearts. He sleeps most of the time, but if you play reggae music for a long while, the little Rastaman starts dancing around. And when the little Rastaman starts dancing around inside your heart, the end result is always happiness.
I've named my little Rastaman Stanley in honor of the wood-carving, ganja smoking & selling wiseman who lived in a tree by the ocean. Everything about the previous sentence might seem like one giant lie, but I'm going to ask you to take a leap of faith and trust me on this one.
You see, I was once was lame. But now I'm found, uptight but now I see. I can't exactly pinpoint for you the exact moment when the enlightenment came. Perhaps it was the seventh time I heard "One Love" while breathing deep the salty breeze. Perhaps it was the 50th time. I don't know definitively when it happened. You see, Jamaicans are forever listening to reggae music. And if they're near tourists, they're listening to Bob Marley because they think that's what we want to hear (and they're right). Your average Jamaican hears the song "One Love" approximately three times every day, and amazingly they show no sign of exhaustion.
If you want to use the word "brainwash" then by all means, be my guest. But you're not going to convince me that reggae isn't beautiful. Because here's the thing: that repetitive percussion is critical to the Jamaican experience. The steady pulse of the music keeps time for the island like a heartbeat. And once you allow the flow to wash all over you, you end up feeling like you're coasting on a perpetual motion device, a perfect loop with no discernible beginning or end. Eventually you become lost in Jamaica's hypnotizing spell.
I know the cynics amongst us will fear that the Jamaicans are up to something devious with all this hypnotizing. But believe me, they just want us to relax and enjoy life. That is the reason God made Jamaica, I think - to teach the world how to relax. You could even make an argument that reggae music is the meaning of life, in an indirect sort of way.
I was going to conclude this piece with my thoughts on how reggae music relates to racism and September 11th, but it turns out my editor thought it better that I not. He thinks those elements would bring this piece down, which, he said, was not the point of reggae music. I said I knew that already, and that I didn't need him telling me what to think about things. "You're nothing without me! I made you!" I shouted at him, to which he shrugged and said, "Write about whatever," followed by some self-righteous remarks that I didn't appreciate. Sometimes I wish my editor would accidentally drink a cup of acid.
But my point is that reggae music is great no matter what your demographic makeup is. Because no matter your color or religion, you have a little Rastaman sleeping in your heart. And all he really wants to do is dance around and sing the words delivered to us by three little birds: "Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry. Singin' don't worry about a thing."
Makes sense, right?
About as much sense as a Jamaican bobsledder.
But then after going to Jamaica I realized that the only thing worthless was my opinion.
You see, what I failed to realize is that we all have a little Rastaman inside our hearts. He sleeps most of the time, but if you play reggae music for a long while, the little Rastaman starts dancing around. And when the little Rastaman starts dancing around inside your heart, the end result is always happiness.I've named my little Rastaman Stanley in honor of the wood-carving, ganja smoking & selling wiseman who lived in a tree by the ocean. Everything about the previous sentence might seem like one giant lie, but I'm going to ask you to take a leap of faith and trust me on this one.
You see, I was once was lame. But now I'm found, uptight but now I see. I can't exactly pinpoint for you the exact moment when the enlightenment came. Perhaps it was the seventh time I heard "One Love" while breathing deep the salty breeze. Perhaps it was the 50th time. I don't know definitively when it happened. You see, Jamaicans are forever listening to reggae music. And if they're near tourists, they're listening to Bob Marley because they think that's what we want to hear (and they're right). Your average Jamaican hears the song "One Love" approximately three times every day, and amazingly they show no sign of exhaustion.
If you want to use the word "brainwash" then by all means, be my guest. But you're not going to convince me that reggae isn't beautiful. Because here's the thing: that repetitive percussion is critical to the Jamaican experience. The steady pulse of the music keeps time for the island like a heartbeat. And once you allow the flow to wash all over you, you end up feeling like you're coasting on a perpetual motion device, a perfect loop with no discernible beginning or end. Eventually you become lost in Jamaica's hypnotizing spell.
I know the cynics amongst us will fear that the Jamaicans are up to something devious with all this hypnotizing. But believe me, they just want us to relax and enjoy life. That is the reason God made Jamaica, I think - to teach the world how to relax. You could even make an argument that reggae music is the meaning of life, in an indirect sort of way.
I was going to conclude this piece with my thoughts on how reggae music relates to racism and September 11th, but it turns out my editor thought it better that I not. He thinks those elements would bring this piece down, which, he said, was not the point of reggae music. I said I knew that already, and that I didn't need him telling me what to think about things. "You're nothing without me! I made you!" I shouted at him, to which he shrugged and said, "Write about whatever," followed by some self-righteous remarks that I didn't appreciate. Sometimes I wish my editor would accidentally drink a cup of acid.
But my point is that reggae music is great no matter what your demographic makeup is. Because no matter your color or religion, you have a little Rastaman sleeping in your heart. And all he really wants to do is dance around and sing the words delivered to us by three little birds: "Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry. Singin' don't worry about a thing."
Makes sense, right?
About as much sense as a Jamaican bobsledder.
August 05, 2006
tale of two cities
Note: in my mind, this entry is unfinished. i never said exactly what i was trying to say. i wrote most of it a few days ago, and now i'm just punting this unfinished mess away. maybe i'll try it again someday in the future. maybe i won't. but because i'm my own editor, i'm choosing to show you this failed attempt at expression and opinion. in other words, this is truly a sketch.
Detroit is an embarrassment.
I know there are two camps of opinion in this regard, and to many minds it would be blasphemy to speak so boldly against The City. After all, we're on the verge of the Next Detroit. The flowers are rising from the ashes, deals are getting done, contracts are being rewarded....we've got Campus Martius, the ever growing Riverwalk, lofts and lofts and lofts, new restaurants, big casinos, big cranes, overall a new energy and lots of Detroit Love to go around.
Yes, we have all these things. But Detroit has a funny way of reminding you of its shortcomings. And for me the past few days, these shortcomings have been manifesting themselves all too frequently. And in light of these shortcomings, Next Detroit begins looking like a smoke-and-mirrors show. It's a whore with pretty lipstick. It's a junky wearing a tuxedo.
Although I'm covered in this blanket of anonymity, I will speak in vague terms in order to not break the law. Let's just say I'm currently fulfilling a civic duty, and in doing so I've been given a front seat reminder of Detroit's continuing culture of gun violence. I've also seen the incompetence of its law enforcement agency in full blossom. I've experienced the failings of its infrastructure. And my personal favorite, I've been able to participate in the Them vs. Us debate once again, Detroiters vs. Suburbanites. Apparently if you've ever lived within Detroit's city limits you can begin any line of debate with the phrase, "I live in The City," which gives your opinion a weight that cannot be trumped. If you've ever lived in The City, you know more about everything than anybody else anywhere. You understand the mind of every Detroiter that ever lived. You understand the nature of street justice. And you wear all this with a badge of superiority, like you're tougher and more world weary than the rest of us. Of course, many of these people don't live in Detroit Proper any longer, but that's beside the point.
I'm drifting. The real point is that we have two very different Detroit's emerging in the minds of metro dwellers, Next Detroit and Coleman Young's Detroit. I'm wondering which is the real deal?
The downtown is getting better, and that makes me happy. But the downtown region makes up only a fraction of the City of Detroit. So I'm left asking if the "Next Detroit" concept is being implemented anywhere in Detroit beyond its downtown? If not, I will continue to stand by the junky wearing a tuxedo line.
Perhaps the activity downtown can spread throughout the rest of the city. Maybe crime will drop, the schools will improve, the deficit will be reduced, the history will be preserved, faith will be restored in city government, the garbage will get cleaned up, and the Us vs. Them divide will fade away. I'm hoping. Of course, realistically speaking, I don't see this happening (unless it solves all of the city's financial problems). Detroit needs a stronger tax base and it needs a government that knows how to spend that money efficiently. I can't imagine a lively downtown curing this problem, not completely.
My point is that I don't want people to be hoodwinked by the developments downtown. Don't say, "Wow, Detroit's really rebounded." Because what you mean to say is, "Wow, the downtown has really started to rebound." The City has problems that no casino or riverwalk will ever solve.
Detroit is an embarrassment.
I know there are two camps of opinion in this regard, and to many minds it would be blasphemy to speak so boldly against The City. After all, we're on the verge of the Next Detroit. The flowers are rising from the ashes, deals are getting done, contracts are being rewarded....we've got Campus Martius, the ever growing Riverwalk, lofts and lofts and lofts, new restaurants, big casinos, big cranes, overall a new energy and lots of Detroit Love to go around.
Yes, we have all these things. But Detroit has a funny way of reminding you of its shortcomings. And for me the past few days, these shortcomings have been manifesting themselves all too frequently. And in light of these shortcomings, Next Detroit begins looking like a smoke-and-mirrors show. It's a whore with pretty lipstick. It's a junky wearing a tuxedo.
Although I'm covered in this blanket of anonymity, I will speak in vague terms in order to not break the law. Let's just say I'm currently fulfilling a civic duty, and in doing so I've been given a front seat reminder of Detroit's continuing culture of gun violence. I've also seen the incompetence of its law enforcement agency in full blossom. I've experienced the failings of its infrastructure. And my personal favorite, I've been able to participate in the Them vs. Us debate once again, Detroiters vs. Suburbanites. Apparently if you've ever lived within Detroit's city limits you can begin any line of debate with the phrase, "I live in The City," which gives your opinion a weight that cannot be trumped. If you've ever lived in The City, you know more about everything than anybody else anywhere. You understand the mind of every Detroiter that ever lived. You understand the nature of street justice. And you wear all this with a badge of superiority, like you're tougher and more world weary than the rest of us. Of course, many of these people don't live in Detroit Proper any longer, but that's beside the point.
I'm drifting. The real point is that we have two very different Detroit's emerging in the minds of metro dwellers, Next Detroit and Coleman Young's Detroit. I'm wondering which is the real deal?
The downtown is getting better, and that makes me happy. But the downtown region makes up only a fraction of the City of Detroit. So I'm left asking if the "Next Detroit" concept is being implemented anywhere in Detroit beyond its downtown? If not, I will continue to stand by the junky wearing a tuxedo line.
Perhaps the activity downtown can spread throughout the rest of the city. Maybe crime will drop, the schools will improve, the deficit will be reduced, the history will be preserved, faith will be restored in city government, the garbage will get cleaned up, and the Us vs. Them divide will fade away. I'm hoping. Of course, realistically speaking, I don't see this happening (unless it solves all of the city's financial problems). Detroit needs a stronger tax base and it needs a government that knows how to spend that money efficiently. I can't imagine a lively downtown curing this problem, not completely.
My point is that I don't want people to be hoodwinked by the developments downtown. Don't say, "Wow, Detroit's really rebounded." Because what you mean to say is, "Wow, the downtown has really started to rebound." The City has problems that no casino or riverwalk will ever solve.
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