when the trilogy was king

yesterday, i watched the new Indiana Jones movie trailer. at first, i wasn't sure it was even legitimate since homemade trailers run rampant on the net these days. but sure enough, it was the real thing. there he was, harrison ford in his 50's or 60's swinging around with his whip like spider-man. there were explosions. there were tribal warrior people complete with blow darts and grass skirts. and most surprising, it seems that some of the action takes place in the warehouse where the ark of the covenant was stored. all in all, it looks like an indiana jones movie, which is about the best thing we could hope for after a 19 year absence. (i will say one negative thing about the trailer: it starts on a very strange, overly grandiose note, with scenes from the last three films set on a bed of dramatic music saying things like, "he protected the power of the divine" and "he triumphed over the armies of evil." eventually, it settles down and plays the fun indiana jones music, showing us a silhouette of the fedora-wearing adventurer and the real preview begins. the serious nature of the opening doesn't fit indiana jones very well, but clearly paramount wants to hype the indiana jones mythology to lay the groundwork for the new film, which is completely unnecessary. it's gonna make zillions-upon-zillions of dollars.)





so this is a trend, officially now, of old characters being brought back for awkward, tacked-on episodes to box-sets that have long since appeared complete, with no greater offender than sly stallone and his recent rocky & rambo entries. completing the Planet Hollywood Trilogy, we have bruce willis in another "die hard" movie and schwarzenegger in an after-the-fact and entirely forgettable "terminator 3" a few years back.

although i disapprove of how recklessly these franchises are being closed and reopened and pulled into eras they never belonged, and despite the fact that it's embarrassing to see the likes of arnold and stallone shamelessly showcasing their has-been action hero status, i take greater umbrage with a another epidemic of which indiana jones is now a victim: the quadrilogy.

growing up in the 80's, i came to appreciate the triple movie set - aka. The Trilogy - as the gold standard for movie storytelling, none better than, of course, the Star Wars Trilogy. the first film was triumphant, the second tragic, and the third a finale of Good vs. Evil. good movies, good formula, and it set a high precedent for multi-movie stories. three is just right, as it is for many things in life: three meals a day (and three courses at dinner); the holy trinity; three-pointers in basketball; other things.

steadily, the list of great trilogies began to grow. there was star wars. then indiana jones and back to the future came along. alien turned into a nice trilogy as did die hard. and lest we neglect the likes of the karate kid, the naked gun, and the vacation movies.

at this point in history, there was an unspoken understanding that the notion of completing a trilogy was the equivalent of reaching the top of mount everest in the world of movie franchises. it was vindication.






and then something happened.

suddenly reaching the summit wasn't good enough. the studios hadn't made enough money. these seemingly completed franchises could, in fact, be milked for more gold, and before long ripley, who died heroically in alien 3, was brought back in alien ressurection in a nonsensical romp with winona ryder, thus ending The Trilogy's reign in hollywood. go ahead and google "quadrilogy." you'll see that the alien franchise embraces this awful word.

a floodgate opened. the rules dissolved. the role of daniel larusso was being played by a girl in "the next karate kid." chris rock was brought in to add hilarity to "lethal weapon 4." and most egregious of all, word spread that george lucas would write and direct a new star wars trilogy. three plus three equals six, which means star wars was becoming a sextilogy. at least the actor who played C3P0 was happy.





these beloved trilogies were supposed to set an example in Three Act restraint. instead, they've led the stampede toward untidy, greedy, never-ending excess. only "back to the future" and "indiana jones" stood as bastions of the old order. and come this may, only one of them will remain.

yes, it's true that recent trilogies have come to restore some decency to the world, namely, the lord of the rings and matrix movies. but pretenders to the Trilogy Throne have also come along with a false sense of vindication, driven more by gold and an expectations-reduced entertainment-hungry populace than by quality, bastardizing even further the once great notion of a trilogy. movies about pirates and green ogres come to mind. i'd mention x-men and spider-man, but there's no way they hold at three, and even if they do, it's only because they thoroughly ran out of steam by their third installments, respectively. oh yeah, anthony hopkins has improbably reprized his role as hannibal lecter twice now.

so in other words, i have mixed feelings about Indiana Jones & the Overly Long Titled Part 4 Something Something Crystal Skull. but it's helped me understand something. i must accept that most great franchises will not stop at three anymore. basically, the trilogy is dead. instead, it's time i learn how to pronounce the words quintilogy, septilogy and decatilogy. i must prepare for an eventual pre-trilogy of matrix movies in the year 2025. worst of all and most certainly, i must prepare my mind for the eventual Back to the Future Part IV. christopher lloyd will reprise his role as doc brown and he will again return to 1950's hill valley in order to steal the flux capacitor blue prints from his 1950's self. he does this to avoid ever having to live during the 1800's because that was a stupid idea in the first place. two marty mcfly's will be hovering about and getting into trouble per the first and second films, but michael j. fox will not be asked to participate in the fourth installment (well because, ya know). instead, doc will always be saying things to marty - who's in another room - like, "marty, you just stay in the garage. i'll be right back. we'll go over the plans for your Enchantment Under the Sea Dance and subsequent plans to catch lightening just after i answer the door," and so forth. they can perhaps use michael j. fox soundbites from other movies to fill in certain plot holes.

before you know it, the movie will be complete, the hype machine will get started, the advertising blitz will have us all worked-up to see it, i'll write a blog disparaging its existence, we'll all pay to see it, and by the next morning it'll be the furthest thing from our minds. of course, someday thereafter i will mistakenly refer to the films as a Trilogy and my kids will say aloud, "what's a trilogy?" and i will excuse myself to "get something out of my eye" in the bathroom. there, i will weep openly on the cold bathroom floor without shame or pride, naked and alone, longing for days gone by.