You are all I have left. No one else will listen to my salty rants and my beautiful ideas. So I turn to you in my time of need.
I am almost a fully grown man. I am growing lonelier and ever more bitter with each passing day. Life for me has been a series of bad decisions and missed opportunities. I don't have very much money, I have no women, I have waning hope for finding a truly satisfying career. I have no fundamental hobby to fall back on, I have no plans for my future. Overall, there is nothing much left for me in this world. I am becoming a miserable failure. [If you need definitive proof of my demise, here it is: I know who Jon & Kate + 8 are because I sometimes watch the show. And what's worse is I'm not a.) married to a wife that I can blame it on, b.) a homo, c.) forced to watch it for any sort of publication. This is called failing without dignity, my friends.]
When I'm not watching shows intended for middle-aged female audiences I might be watching sports instead. (I don't bring this up with the hopes of keeping my Man Card. You can't keep your Man Card after you admit to watching anything on The Learning Channel, I think.) Specifically I enjoy watching the NBA Playoffs. This was supposed to be the year when Kobe and LeBron finally battled for ultimate supremacy, like Batman versus Superman or something. That's the match-up everyone wanted, I guess. And LeBron was supposed to win, finally freeing the People of Cleveland from decades of shame and disappointment. But like me, Cleveland was painfully reminded, again, that happiness and victory are never to be found in this life, and that torment and misery will be their only friends.
I sympathize with Cleveland, I guess. BUT - and there is a big but here - I must confess, I'm also taking great delight in their defeat. You might say I'm even basking in it. Let me explain why.
I'm someone who feels like they can't catch a break in life. If I bet on red, then you should bet on black because you will make money, you see? That's how it works. Likewise, if I was a character in the story The Lottery then surely I would be the one who pulled the red marble (or whichever color marble kills you). I am a living, breathing Wile E. Coyote, and I'm tired of failing. But you know what's a nice consolation while you continue to fail all the time? Answer: watching the Road Runner also fail.
This brings me to LeBron James.
King James. The Messiah & Saviour. Redeemer to All Mankind.
He failed. And he wore his agony on his sleeve.
And I swallowed it up like sweet champagne.
Life has endowed LeBron James with so many natural talents that you just start to think that it's not fair. I'm not saying I like that about myself. Boo effing hoo, etc. I got that. Nonetheless, that's where I'm at. And this past Saturday I was offered a rare treat in this life. I got to be a witness when The King - the person who has it all - came up short. He was devastated. He couldn't even bring himself to congratulate the team that won. He couldn't even face the media afterwards. Rather, he just vanished into a cloud of smoke.
Yes, that was probably one of the worst days of LeBron's young life. And yet, I became happier for it? What's wrong with me? Am I the worst person alive?
Listen, I don't have all the answers. Maybe I'm the worst. Maybe I'm not. Or maybe LeBron is the worst for always succeeding all the time. Who really knows?
Here's what I do know: I will continue to enjoy LeBron's failure for the time being and I will do so without guilt. And besides, it's only a matter of time for him before the championships and the parades and the granite statues made in his honor. His ultimate failure is highly unlikely. So for this brief second, this brief moment of despair on the hero's journey, let me just enjoy it. Let me savor the fact that LeBron and I are both failures, and that he is as human as I am.
ps. I wrote the Neko Case essay and it was lame, which helped remind me why I didn't want to write album & movie reviews in the first place. But here's the summary: Neko Case's new album is good so you should buy it if you like good music. i like her voice. the end.
