note: this essay originally appeared 7/29/06
Let's just cut to the chase here. Ladies and gentlemen, Shark Week begins tomorrow night. Break out the champagne and the noisemakers, for this is no ordinary week. After 18 years, this annual summertime Discovery Channel staple has hooked itself to our hearts, and it's time that we celebrate it properly.
When else are we given the excuse to openly worship the carnage-driven bloodmongers that lurk under the sea? Obviously never. You see, the shark is unlike any other villainous animal on the planet. Take another hated creature - like the spider - for example. Although we all fear spiders, we would never participate in Spider Week. Why? Because spiders are too ugly, frankly. They are undoubtedly fascinating beasts, what with their calculating and secretive ways. And those webs; how could such an ugly creature knit such a beautiful thing? Yes, spiders are probably our most beloved animal to hate. But perhaps they are too scary?
Sharks, on the other hand, are the lions of the sea. When they aren't killing, they're sleek and sort of appealing to the eye. Of course at other times they are fierce aggressors who kill with a pathological lack of concern for their victims. It's what they do. They just kill stuff until their stomachs are full.
And who knows? They might kill you or me someday. That's what makes Shark Week so great. We get to study one of our most beloved villains up close, like watching Hannibal Lecter work in "Silence of the Lambs."
The Discovery Channel has done such a nice job with Shark Week over the years, crafting it into the institution it's become, that I believe the annual tradition must be recognized as a national holiday. I mean honestly, Shark Week would instantly be more popular than a majority of our national holidays. Let's take a closer look:
National Holiday Power Rankings:
1. Christmas - still the undisputed champ. gifts and lots of time off work. what more do you want?
2. Halloween - there's something for everyone. kids get candy. men get to wear funny costumes. women get to show off cleavage. and it's all about paganism, which gives it that extra oomph of something.
3. Thanksgiving - lots of eating good food, followed by watching football and playing cards. great holiday.
4. The Fourth of July - the great mid-summer holiday. oh America, i wish i knew how to quit you.
5. St. Patrick's Day - an excuse to drink beer, wear green, sing irish songs and pinch people.
6. Shark Week - this seems a perfect fit. a little lower than those five, a little higher than struggling Easter and all the other disastrous holidays.
7. Easter - sorry Jesus, but Easter is weak. coloring eggs, hiding eggs, hiding baskets, the Easter Bunny? Somebody try to rationalize for me the absurdity of these so-called traditions alongside the observance of Christ's big comeback? i know not everyone believes in/ gives a crap about JC. but Easter, nonetheless, needs a face lift. there's nothing for adults here. nothing. maybe bumping Shark Week to #6 will act as a wakeup call.
8. Valentine's Day - i mean, in theory there's nothing wrong with taking your girl out on the town and having a romantic evening together. but to quote Homer Simpson, "In theory, communism works." this holiday always feels like an inconvenience, like "Oh $#!#, I forgot, Wednesday is V-Day. Sorry dude, I can't make it." and what about all the Eleanor Rigbys out there? What do they do?
9. Mother's / Father's Day - I don't know anyone who takes these seriously.
10. Labor Day - It marks the end of summer. That's strike one. and it stands for nothing. that's two more strikes. i hate holidays that don't stand for anything.
I'm probably forgetting some holidays, like Memorial Day and Columbus Day. But whatever. You see my point. Shark Week would be an instant hit, even as a rookie holiday. And don't worry. We still have time to work out the details. Like, for instance, although it's a week long series on TV, does the celebration need to go for seven days when one day might suffice? Should there be anything as random and absurd as a yule log? Should there be a mysterious figurehead, like Saint Nick?
I don't have all the answers yet. But here's what I do know: there must be at least one major gathering between friends where sea food is consumed and a movie about sharks is watched. Preferably this is done to kick-off Shark Week. Consider attending the party in makeup and attire that gives the illusion that you've been attacked by a shark. And we should all begin working on a song that could compete with any Christmas carol. "Beyond the Sea" or "Under the Sea" will do in a pinch.
In the days that follow, maybe you visit aquariums, maybe you go fishing, maybe you play games in a pool where someone plays the shark and everyone else plays potential victims. I don't know yet.
What I do know is that Shark Week begins tomorrow and I'm excited. Perhaps I'll celebrate by having an entire shark lowered into the roof of my home via a crane.
